derp

She kissed me, and in a matter of seconds I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my frontal lobe as my vision started going hazy. Being myself, I should have expected it to happen sooner or later, but not like this. DEFINITELY not like this.

I pushed her away and took a few steps back, fumbling as my back hit the wall. It felt as if my entire body was shape-shifting into a 40 year-old black man.

"Oh my God...your...your lips.."

"Yeah? Amazing aren't they?"

"What did you...what's making me--"

"Oh, this? It's just whiskey. I brush with it you know."

I NEED TO MASTURBATE

It's not easy being arab_freak. Everyday, and despite my extensive attempts at trying to look unrecognizable in public, I get more and more women (and a good chunk of men) driving by my apartment, honking their horns, yelling out my name, and throwing their underwear at my balcony; effectively drowning me in their panties. This is very upsetting of course, as I always try my best to keep the stalkers at bay. I never give out my number. I always make sure nobody's following me when I'm driving home. I always dispose of any napkins or eating utensils that have been near my mouth. I pick up my own hairs from the barbershop floor whenever I'm getting a haircut. And most importantly, I constantly keep tabs with the people on my Facebook friends list.

It is often during those times where I come across these individuals who I have absolutely no memory of adding. They just sit there clogging up my homepage with pseudo-intellectual psychobabble. Who are these pseudo-intellectuals, and more importantly, why am I unable to recall meeting them in person? Surely a man of my stature would never agree to affiliating himself with people who have to fill their otherwise vapid lives with stupid copy-pasted bullshit to make up for the fact that they have absolutely no personality or opinions of their own. And more often than not, its girls who do it. I can't stress the amount of pain I feel every time I read a copy-pasted Marilyn Monroe quote used as a status update by some bimbo airhead. Do they not realize they are all carbon copies of themselves, recycling the same bullshit over and over again? What happened to REAL women; the women who know their real value in this world?

Nevertheless, some of it is unintentionally hilarious, so I've done my best to try and round up a few of my favorites:

And he says" I never wanna see you cry" because he knows he'll never be there to whipe your tears away!!

This of course is very insulting and degrading, as it insinuates that men are mere emotional toilet paper rolls that are supposed to "whipe" a woman's tears off her face.

God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him

Again, this is degrading because it stereotypes women as stupid and beautiful (not all women are beautiful). Whoever posted this is basically agreeing to the fact that she's a shallow idiot, as it seems every man who's ever been interested in her was a direct result of the way she looked. I find this sickening because its hard to believe that out there are men who actually consider a girl who sports these quotes on her page to be worth the trouble of hitting on.

Dignity in humans involves the earning or the expectation of personal respect or of esteem. It is the respect and honor associated with an important position. This emphasizes on the importance of dignity in one's behavior as well as how a dignified person can become a role model for others. Let your'e self-dignity come first.

Lived a lie for far too long. Its time to move right on

"Prove yourself and learn to love yourself"

You can't see it, but the girl who wrote these three quotes originally added her initials at the end to tell you she made it up herself (except for the first one, which was copy-pasted from some random website with the final sentence being typed up hastily to pass it off as her own writing). Its a completely unnecessary move on her part because any sane human being can tell she wrote it herself from the significantly dumbed-down grammar and even dumber logic. I've noticed women do this most of the time because they think they can trick you into thinking they're deep and witty, but in reality they're just trying to use as many big words as they can that wouldn't otherwise be in their day-to-day vocabulary and shoving it down your throat.

and i can't imagine how i'd make it through, there's no me without you.

Normally you'd assume this is the sort of thing you'd read on a 16 year-old girl's profile, but you'd be amazed by the number of women who are years older than me putting this crap up for all to see.

When im older and my daughter asks me who my first love was, i don't want to have to pull out the photo album, i want to be able to point across the room and say he's sitting right over there

More fantasy love bullshit. Like hell you're going to marry the person you first fell in love with. Besides, if you DID pull out that photo album, how do you think the guy sitting across the room would feel about it?

Never regret something that once made you smile. Just move on with a smile on you're face.

With a smile on "you are" face. Right.

I know what you're thinking: "But arab_freak, what if these girls read this and find out what you said about them?" Well I say tough shit, its not like they're smart enough to come up with a decent response. The most they'll do is try to get their dickhead boyfriends to start a fight (because a fight is what proves me wrong), or at the very least, remove me from their friends list like the rest of the assholes who don't like me criticizing them (because that's going to make all the bad text disappear!). Hahahaha, just kidding. None of that is going to happen. They'll all come to this note but leave frustrated after not being able to read any of the words.

I'm juicy Ahmed Bially, trading as arab_freak. And I'm here to talk to you about the sweet, messy sessions we could be having with each other. If my intimate chat turns you on or gets your juices bubbling, then so much the better baby. We'll have a nice, hot, sticky, wet time together. I hope your lips are getting moist just thinking about the special moments we'll soon have as I go all over your fiberwood fried eggs. You see, I'm a guy who knows where all the sensitive sections are, and I know how to tweak them. You have amazing taste, and you taste amazing. You know a good thing when you see it. I mean, why else would you be reading this right now?

Hit me up when you need a fix,
XOXO

There are five main categories of women that you will be able to score a quickie with:

1. Hot chicks with a positive self-image and strong confidence
2. Ugly chicks with a positive self-image and strong confidence
3. Hot chicks with low self-esteem
4. Ugly chicks with low self-esteem
5. Fat chicks.

The reason the "fat chick" category above wasn't broken down is because fat chicks are pretty much broken down already. Of the types above, ugly chicks in category 2 are the most annoying, not because they're ugly, but because they think they're not. Ugly chicks with confidence are constantly grappling with identity crisis by thinking that they belong in category 1.

Women feel vulnerable after sex, and this is especially true if they get nothing from it (likely). If you want to score after a follow-up quickie, you need to take advantage of this fact by lowering her self-esteem. The first time you score with her, you need to make sure you put your best foot forward and impress the hell out of her. Make it quick, but keep it classy.This will bait her into thinking that you're a great lover, and she'll be willing to do the three-pump crotch tango with you again at some point.

After sex, you need to plant the seeds of self-doubt into her mind by telling her that she was "pretty good." Do you see what just happened here? The word "pretty" used in this context will act as a buffer to lessen the effect of the word "good," causing her to wonder what exactly about her performance caused you to hold back your compliment. If done correctly, her self-esteem will be lowered, giving you a great opportunity for a follow-up quickie, at which time you can be as unspectacular as you want.

The only exception to this rule is when a woman has low self-esteem to begin with. A good way to find out is to make an offhanded comment about her physical appearance or smell, and if she doesn't react with violence, then it's a safe bet that she's insecure. Make her like you on a superficial level by getting her to laugh, and you're set.

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/10 10748

I hate living in Egypt. I generally don't like most of my friends because I have almost nothing in common with them, and the ones I do like are foreigners. Why? Because as some of you can most probably tell, I'm a westernized Egyptian living as an expatriate in his own country. I feel like I belong elsewhere, like the US or UK. THIS is why I resort to the internet to get what I call my "fix" of western culture.

About a year ago I ran into this girl called Sara through Facebook. She had lived her entire life in Virginia and just moved to Egypt with her mother and sister. She hated life here just as much as I did, seemingly for the same reasons I had. We sorta clicked in a way, and we became friends (not close friends, just friends). To her, I was the sort of friend she can talk to about absolutely anything that comes into mind. She sort of had the same effect on me, mainly because I don't have a lot of people I can "be myself" around. Hence why I like hanging out with foreigners and other westernized Egyptians like myself.

A few facts about this girl before I continue:

- She's 4"11.

- She spent her senior year of high school here, and is now in her first year of university.

- She goes to this CRAP university called Modern Sciences and Arts. MSA is one of those universities that pick up losers with no future. It's easier to get into than community college. When I asked her why she went there instead of some respectable university like the American University in Cairo (which I'm in), she told me it was because her father told her that the lower the university fees, the higher the chance of her getting a car.

- She hates her friends. All of them. She calls them "fake". When I offered to introduce her to some "real" people who at least make MY life in this country bearable, she rejected me. Her "fake" friends hate her because they get that "dislike vibe" whenever they talk to her. She's also pretty stuck-up and egotistical.

- We only talk to one another online or over the phone. I've only met her in person a few times before the summer, then I started seeing her on a daily basis after she started university (I go to her uni to drop off and pick up my sibling. Usually I'll hang around the place as I have lots of friends in it).

- Her grandmother recently developed lung cancer because of her smoking habit. Sara was a non-smoker when that happened, and she made it clear that she hated smokers because of her grandmother's fate. What's sad now is that she started smoking a few months ago, taking a few puffs here and there, and now it's impossible to see her without a cigarette in her hand.

- Slightly-relevant: I ran into her at a party in Halloween. We almost got into some fight, but being the bigger person I apologized to her.

Anyways, at some point in the future our conversations started becoming "bland". She'd usually cut things short or ask me what the hell was the point of what I just said. I didn't get what went wrong, but knowing that I'll never find out for sure because she was a woman I backed off.

A few days later, the Bush-shoe incident happened. I was discussing it with her online and I jokingly told her "I guess he sure shoed him". She responded with "You're one cheesy mother. That made me sick." I thought she was kidding for a moment until she started insulting me, then blocking me. So I got on her Facebook wall and wrote this:

"I'm glad you showed me your true colors. I can finally see why so many people just don't like you now. Enjoy what's left of your life here."

I removed her from my friends and the next day I get this message in my inbox. Below is my response:

http://img357.imageshack.us/img357/796 6/
54175862me9.jpg

Btw, "zebby 3aleeky" is a very insulting Egyptian swear.

The next day at about 10 PM I get this phone call:

"Hello?"

"Hello"

"Am I speaking to Ahmed Bially?"

"Yes."

"My name is Gamal Hamza, I'm Sara's friend."

"Yeah, hi."

"I want to see you."

"You want to see me?"

"Yes, I wanna meet you right now."

"Nah, I don't think so. I don't have time for you. You think it's normal to call people you don't know and meet with them?"

He handed over the phone to some other guy who kept swearing for about two minutes straight. I couldn't say anything back at the moment as I was sitting with my family at home, so I snuck into the kitchen and just as I got away from my family the dude hands over the phone back to Gamal.

"Listen you asshole, either you meet me or I'll get you using my own methods."

"<insults>, show me your methods motherfucker, I'm waiting."

Then I hung up because I was getting too loud.

I went to her university the next day, and she walked past me with a VERY annoyed look on her face. I looked back and smiled. Every now and then I'd glance at her and see her talking to some guy, then they'd both look at me. She's plotting to have her guy friends "do something about me". It's very pathetic.

Now even though I'm glad I got rid of this horrible excuse for a human being, I'm still a tad bit disappointed that I lost a friend I can relate to. I have very few people like her in my life, and although she may be a terrible person, she (unfortunately) has a brain. I thoroughly enjoyed our discussions, and so did she.

If there's one thing I'd like to share with you besides this story, it's this: always rub facts in people's faces instead of insulting them. I could've just called her a bitch and gotten it over with, but I knew it would not leave an unsettling burn in her lexicon. I needed something with a lasting effect, and I gave it to her in the form of detailing every little flaw of her character. She can't come up with a decent comeback.

Once upon a time, a young, somewhat naive bear was playfully chasing a rabbit through a thick, dense forest. Their little game of hide-and-seek came to a screeching halt when the rabbit tripped over a magic lamp, which unintentionally released a magical genie trapped inside it. The genie stretched his arms out, took a long, sickening yawn, and thanked the duo for saving him from his enchanted prison. As a token of his appreciation, he told them that he shall grant both of them three wishes each.

The bear decided to go first, and without hesitation asked the genie if he could turn all the bears in the forest into females, except for himself. The genie went "so be it" and in the blink of an eye his wish was granted.

The rabbit gave it some thought, and then, very calmly asked the genie for a motorcycle helmet. The genie was somewhat confused at this unusual request, but granted the rabbit his wish anyway.

The bear frantically rubbed his furry chin and said "Screw this, I want more. I wish all the bears in THE COUNTRY to be female, except for myself!" The genie granted him his wish, and the bear started squealing like a 16 year-old girl on her prom night.

The rabbit stood silent for a minute or two, then asked the genie for a motorcycle. The genie asked the rabbit if h was fully aware that he was wasting his wishes, and the rabbit said "just give me my damn bike already." And so the genie granted him his second wish.

Now feeling a lot more intense about his third and final wish, the bear gave it some reaaaally deep thinking; muttering to himself whilst weighing several options and possibilities. All of a sudden he goes "You know what? FUCK IT. I wish ALL THE BEARS IN THE WORLD TO BE FEMALE, EXCEPT FOR ME!" The genie gave the bear a dirty, confused look and asked him if he's sure that this is what he wants. The bear nodded frantically, and his final wish was granted.

"So, what're you gonna do with your last wish?" said the genie to the rabbit. The rabbit doesn't respond. Instead, he very slowly, very calmly puts on his new motorcycle helmet, gets on his motorbike, starts the engine, and takes one long look at the ecstatic bear next to him. He slowly stretches his arms across the handlebars, then looks up at the genie before driving off, saying:

"I wish this bear was gay."

I submitted a design to this contest and need people to vote for my design. First prize is 10,000 LE (approx. 1,818.79 USD).

I had to choose one of the following briefs:

1) Desexp - Desert Safari guides: (sand ski & hiking)
Have you ever gone skiing? Ever thought of SAND skiing? Diving into the desert sounds fun? We take you beyond your imagination to an adventurous experience. Be the first to explore the magic.

2) Party - Event Planning Services
Whatever your occasion is, we take it from scratch & bring the best out of it. From children's birthday parties, through weddings and honeymoons, to a fifty year anniversary party, you can find everything you need with Party!

3) Petmarche - mans' best friend online
When it comes to animals, Petsmarche is your place to be! We're the one organization in the Middle East that handles it all. We offer what you can't find elsewhere; mating, classifieds, pet taxi, adoption, pet supplies and much more.

4) Hot Dot
Large format print shop When it comes to large format, we are hot stuff. We print it quicker and better than the rest. Using the best equipment and materials, you can rest assured that you won't find a better large format print shop in town. And by the way, have you seen our hot van? We deliver!

I chose PetsMarche. So far I only have two serious competitors, but I'm pretty confident I might win something.

shoop da whoop